|My sweet little Emmett using his vest. The percussion vest helps the children move the mucus out of their lungs. It looks so benign in this picture.|
The smiles from this little man are one of my small slivers of light right now.
I think in my life I sincerely thought, and professed, to understand things I really had no clue about. Life keeps teaching me how much I don't know. I guess that is one thing I do know. Maybe I have mentioned this before? My ignorance seems to be a glaring reality I am consistently confronted with.
What I am trying to understand is what do the scriptures truly mean when they say, "To cast your burden on the Lord?"
What does that literally mean for me, when everyday I am the one who has to carry this load and raise these children? And I am so inept. I just have no idea what to do. They are so young. So malleable. Mother's make a difference in the lives of their children. I just don't seem to know how to be the right mother for my children.
I don't think the Lord is unfair. I never worry about justice or equality. I try not to compare my crosses to anyone else's, because in honestly probably most people look at my little family and think we are on some sort of cake walk. It is hard to really know what is going on in people's lives.
Emmett wanted to video himself, so he could hear his voice. This gives you an idea of how vigorous this shaking actually is. Don't be disturbed, but to be honest I started bawling the first time I saw a child having this treatment.
I am grateful my battle is over of finding out how and why my children's health is different. That was an enormous hurdle. Unfortunately, the hurdles just keep getting bigger. I don't trouble myself with why, only how. How should I move forward? How can I do this?
We are taking the family away for awhile. Somewhere warm and healing. If it works, next year it will be much longer. I always try to be elusive about when we leave, for privacy, and since I am so erratic with my blogging anyway it will be hard to know when we are away...
I feel like this trip is a final lifeline. Our family needs some emotional and physical healing. We are blessed to be able to have the means to try this. These are hard times and many can not. The children and I are trying to play Pollyanna's "glad game."
Ellery just can't seem to fight off her lung infection (an x-ray last week at the pulmonologist confirmed an infection), severe ear pain. She is having horrible side effects to her antibiotics despite huge doses of probiotics. She can't walk because of the cramping. We have 3 days left. The only thing I can think to be glad about is after this horrible cramping ends maybe she will feel better and her ears will feel more manageable.