Books that Changed Me

This isn't a post of intellectual or any other form of snobbery, but only an expression of my hope that others can find the same joy and journeys in literature as I do.

"The Brothers Karamazov" by Fyodor Dostoevsky 

I can only compare this book to the Bible in its power to demand self reflection.  Dostoevsky brilliancy is unmatched by anything I have read.  His books have a disturbing way of making me probe every belief I've clung to.  Sometimes in this book I wanted to reject God and religion completely.  Other times I wanted to throw it on the ground.  I find myself drawn in some ways to the most vile of characters, but in so doing I am forced to expand my circle of understanding and sympathy just that much more.  I wish in one fell swoop my heart would soften but it needs constant reminding.

I'm amazed by the life of Dostoevsky.  He was by all accounts dysfunctional on almost all levels.  And yet his novels clearly show me God can use any person as His instrument.  God bestows His gifts on His children in all times and places regardless of any earning.  History seems to pound this lesson into me, over and over again, be it Mozart or Joseph Smith.

Dostoevsky raises so many questions.  He answers none of them.  Maybe that's why his novels force me to think beyond my comfort zone and leave me so hungry.

"The God Who Weeps"  by Fiona and Terryl Givens

If freely admit I have a crush on this man's brain.  For three years I have followed his work, read his articles and books, and listened to podcast interviews. Mormon history is fraught with so many troubling things.  Joseph Smith is one of the most complex historical figures in 19th century America. God and religion themselves can be messy and difficult to make philosophical sense of.  At times, I figuratively have to jump ship.  It's always been this way for me.  I have this strange dichotomy of faith and doubt.  Whether I was 14 and reading "Doctrines of Salvation"deeply disturbed by the complete dismissal of Scientific reasoning or 19 sitting in a dark corner of the Special Collections library in college surrounded by 20 dusty books on polygamy (I don't think they were flying off the shelves much at BYU). Terryl's work has helped me wade through what can seem at times just too murky.  He describes true faith as impossible without equal compulsions to believe or disbelieve.  Faith is first and foremost a choice.

"The God Who Weeps" was just published and coauthored with his wife.  It is a theological treatise on the "Mormon" God they believe Joseph Smith introduced us to.  I am on board.

The Givens' describe a God who is perfect because of his vulnerability, not power.   Life is not about creating an account of good deeds or ordinances, instead it is about learning to expose ourselves and our hearts as God does.  Becoming Godlike is not about becoming powerful but about becoming vulnerable.   Weeping.  

There is a beautiful chapter on the pre-existence which tackles head on the theodicy (or the problem of an omnipotent God and the existence of pain, evil...etc).  For me, it provided the most intriguing and honest answer.  It wasn't anything I have ever learned being a mormon all my life, but it was brilliantly clear to me in the scriptures and doctrine once elucidated.

I love the Romantics.  Givens is a professor of Romantic literature.  He draws literary and historical parallels from myriad personalities and faith traditions, which enhance the understanding of God Joseph introduced us to.

A few tough issues or scriptural incidences were glossed over or omitted.  However it is not a long read, nor does it claim to be exhaustive.

A fascinating corollary to reading this book was the insight it brought me about some of the brutality of Christianity through the ages.  The girls and I just waded through some of the most disturbing times in Europe including the Crusades and Holy Wars.  I have a small inkling on how they used the God they understood as justification for their atrocities.  That God I dismiss.  I don't know how much liberty we do or do not have with God to create or understand Him in a way that brings us the most peace.  It may be offensive, or pompous.   I'm not sure.  But for someone like me, if I can't understand my religion and my personal relationship with God with a bit of flux it may give way completely.

There was also a time in my life when I could "shelve" things for later.  I must be going through a mid-life crisis of some sort, but that won't work right now.  I don't know all the reasons.  I have a brain which never puts my keys or phone in the same place, writes down a recipe, or remembers to fill the car up with gas.  A brain which forgets to temper its enthusiasm and passion in conversation (leading sometimes to unintended offenses).  But, this same brain is giddy trying to solve a math problem or dive into a new ocean of research.

I unreservedly recommend this book, especially to all those searching to find a God they truly want to adore and worship with their reason and their heart.   For me it is on the right course.



Other Books I've Recently Read Independently or With my Children:

"The Witch of Blackbird Pond" by Elizabeth George Speare  This is an insightful introduction to early American history and Puritan society.  It gently helped my girls understand the dangerous prejudices of religious fanaticism rampant during the 17th century, and kept them eager with just enough romantic drama.

"Johnny Tremain" by Esther Forbes I felt I had the inside scoop on the American Revolution in this novel.  The history was excellent and didn't feel artificial or overly romanticized.  As a historian writing a children's book, Forbes brought well earned historical insight right along side an emotionally intriguing plot.  

"Walk the Worlds Rim" by Betty Baker  This book provided an interesting perspective on the Conquistadors and the exploration of the Southern United States and Mexico.  It is something I have little knowledge and I enjoyed experiencing it through the eyes of an adolescent Native American, in his own coming of age journey.

"The Candymakers" by Wendy Mass If you are in the mood for a little mystery, this is a clever, well written, plot driven book.  Neither Ellery nor I could put it down.  Much to Callista's chagrin, the two of us independently snuck it off and read it outside of read-a-loud.  "Mommm!  That is so unfair!"

"Carry On, Mr. Bowditch" Jean Lee Latham  I am so grateful Latham chose to immortalize this man's life.  He was fascinating and brilliant.  Against odds, he contributed quietly but profoundly to society.  This book provides an excellent example of perseverance and positive ambition.

"Atlas Shrugged" by Ayn Rand  (Not appropriate for children) I simply couldn't get on board with the unbridled capitalism and humanism of this book.  I recommend it because of the complex and thorough argument Rand presents for the virtue of such a society.  Unrestrained capitalism becomes the utopia inside a dystopia of government regulation and dependency.  However, Rands utopia for me, left much to be desired.

"Angel Prayer" by John Johnson  I was given this book at book exchange.  Reading the inside cover, it wasn't one I would probably have chosen off a shelf.  However, I was pleasantly surprised.  The plot was interesting enough to keep me turning the pages with equal doses of mystery, crime, romance, and self-discovery.  I think at this particular moment this book spoke to me because of an overriding theme of develop a beautiful heart.  A beautiful heart being a vulnerable one.  The protagonists life is presented contemporaneously and in flash back.  We see he's had opportunities to become vulnerable yet missed them.  It takes tragedy for him to understand he must weep and hurt to become the kind of person he sees in others but cannot see in himself.   Too often I miss the small opportunities in my life to open my heart and weep more.  When the circumstance is so acute or expansive, the birth of child, the health of a loved one, the rejection of a friend... it can't help but be transformative. I have these.  I need these.  But I think if I look a little closer I have these opportunities everyday.  Why not try to a little better everyday?  Count me in.

Veteran's Day

Brent and I have differ and agree in our opinions on the Armed Services. He argues it is no longer a service because the military is paid. They voluntarily sign up, no longer a conscription or sacrifice of time and talents. I disagree. In my eyes it is still a service their pay is no way compensatory to the risk they run of losing their lives.

He and I both agree our country is imposing a specific way of life and government on others which may not mesh with their cultural and religious ideals. We seem to have become a self righteous. In war there is no right side. Everyone is a loser. Regardless of motives or results, war does not please or serve God, only the enemy of all righteousness. There is always a better way. I haven't always felt this way. I used to think you could be on the "right side" in a war. No longer.

Here is a little clip from Ellery's Veteran's Day program with the Elementary School Choir she is a part of.

We also agree our current wars are not defensive but aggressive. I have to believe most soldiers feel they truly are defending freedom and the "American" way of life, they feel is so threatened. They are innocent of motives of greed and power that may underlie things at a higher level.

I was born with my Dad's rosy glasses. Sometimes they serve me well. Other times they don't.

I wish our resources were diverted elsewhere, instead of building up the military-industrial complex. I am a far greater advocate for peace than I used to be. I remember feeling glued to the television, waiting to find weapons of mass destruction. Disillusionment has overtaken my zealousness. Far too many times I am wrong about things to be so bold as to try and impose my way of life on someone else. There are far too many good, peaceable people in the world of all faiths and political ideologies for me to be to pompous and think my vision of the world is correct.

Constitutional Disclaimer

We use Drudge, as one of our main sources for news headlines. This one I came across this afternoon was quite shocking

Amazon is selling copies of the Constitution with a, I feel highly offensive, disclaimer.

Read the article here.

Of all the works that may need a disclaimer like this, I just can't believe the Constitution is one of them. All Americans have a duty to understand and study the Constitution. They should be able to understand and discuss it with their children and neighbors. It is neither a racist nor sexist or anything else. I am certainly no Constitutional scholar but I have read it in the last 3 months, and try my best to understand the principles upon which it is based and the intentions of the founders.

Long Beach Aquarium

We did end up with one day of particularly cold and windy weather. Brent spent the morning in LA doing a little work. His dad tagged along. That left us girls to explore. The beach was not inviting and so we headed North to the Long Beach Aquarium. This was a wonderful aquarium. The children could "pet" the sharks...Ellery was the only one who dared to even come close. Callista put on a brave face, but wouldn't get her little fingers anywhere near the water.
The texture and feel brought me back to Zoology 300 something, a dissection class in college. We did a shark, about this size. These smelled much better though. The ray was a little less intimidating for Callista. Emmett acted brave, but when I tried to dip his hands in for a little touch, he shrieked in terror.
Ellery especially enjoyed the Lorikeet habitat. If only we had spent $3 on an ounce of nectar they would have landed on the children. How many ways can they think of to squeeze money out of our pockets?How did I get my camera to do this? No matter how many times I read the directions, whenever I try to take a picture of my children with an out-of-focus background, it doesn't work. But of course, it works on the mini-parrot.
Emmett blissfully romped in this "cahr." I'm not sure when he will start to distinguish moving objects with motors as anything beyond cars. We are waiting on pins and needles.
Mimi relished a rare moment when Emmett actually allowed her to touch him! Here they are attentively watching the seals and otters before the show and feeding. I have to admit, the entire show I worried a trainer would be grabbed and pulled under. These animals were huge.
Posing by a really cool fish tank...
Emmett and a really creepy fish...
Callista, hamming it up behind the safety of the thick glass. If those fish were anywhere near her...
Who knew they had fish parades at the aquarium?
Now we know.
And yes, there you have it, a picture of me and my ever thickening belly. Take note of the "Fish Story" poster in the background. What I thought would be a harmless, entertaining, biological life cycle story, in animated 3D, turned out to be propaganda at its best.
Don't misunderstand. I am a firm defender of the environment. My science background gives me a more in-depth understanding of the complexity of nature and ecosystems than the average American. But this 15 minute film did nothing but decry evil humans and all they do. If only we could rid the planet of humans, the animals could survive and thrive in bliss. Population reductionism at its finest. I'm sorry, but I believe we all can exist in harmony.

Clearly many of the current practices of humans are inhumane and destructive and inexcusable. But, humans themselves are not the problem. The actions and practices of select individuals and societies are. But the message of this movie was political, emotional, and psycologically seductive for young children. I had to do some reteaching afterwards.

It was unfortunate this was my last taste of the aquarium. Overall it was a wonderful educational experience for the children. Sometimes, we can also use negative examples as teaching tools as well. Hopefully I was able to do so in this particular circumstance.

Las Vegas and The 2nd Amendment

Our vacation started with a visit to Las Vegas where Brent's sister Julie and her family live. We arrived Thursday afternoon and stayed until Sunday morning.

The children had a wonderful time playing on the playset in the backyard, at the park, making up plays, watching movies late at night at their "sleepovers."
Uncle Julian was there as well. Friday and Saturday brought Brent, Jesse, and Julian together for an (I'll call it) "educational experience."
The "Educational Experience"

They attended 24 hours worth of classes on gun safety and handling at a place called Frontsite. When Brent first showed me the introductory video I cringed inside. It seemed like a violent video game (which we are completely opposed to). When I learned the philosophy behind the training, however I was convinced not that it was just a good idea, but it was critical for Brent.

Julian bought a membership to Frontsite which allowed Brent and Jesse to tag along free of charge (it is usually quite an investment). If someone would have told me Brent would be attending a class like this 3 years ago I would have laughed. In fact, both of us were uncomfortable with weapons. Neither of us grew up in a home with them. I would describe my personal beliefs as anti-guns, especially in the home. If there is anything I have learned, or rather the theme of my life should be, "People Change."
The Constitution and Founding Fathers

The last couple years Brent and I have felt guided to become better students of the Constitution and the principles upon which our nation was founded. One thing the Founding Fathers were passionate about was the right to bear arms. In their opinion, it was a crucial element of maintaining an honest government and land of liberty for all citizens. As our love and devotion for the Constitution has grown, we decided we needed to exercise our right as Americans to bear arms.


Guns in the Home

We now have guns in our home. First, to support the Second Amendment. Second, as a source of self-defense in the event of calamitous circumstances. We do not hunt (although if we had no food left I wouldn't be opposed). We are not trying to protect ourselves from a random intruder. Our guns are stored in locked cases, in a locked secret compartment, in a locked concealed room. They aren't readily accessible, is what I am trying to say.

Am I 100% comfortable with guns in the house? Yes. If my husband is home in the event we need to use them, which I pray we never will. I am not comfortable using them myself. I don't even like to really hold them or look at them. This is dangerous on my part, and something I will need to work on in the future. Right now I am just banking on having my husband around. I will stick with the tazors and pepper spray.

Do my children have any possible access to the guns or know where they are? No. Do they know we have them? Yes. They also understand why we choose to have them in the home.

In my Husbands Words...

Here is an excerpt from an email discussion between Brent and his cousin on owning weapons, war etc. It is worthwhile read if you have a moment.

I believe that the 2nd amendment, peaceful resolutions, non- violence, non sport hunting and defensive wars can all be in harmony with each other. The sacred nature of owning weapons for self defense has been lost in many cases, but if revived, can be the link to correct thinking regarding weapon ownership and the distinction of responsible defensive wars and immoral aggressive wars.

I am not a supporter of the war in Iraq, Iran, Afganistan or anywhere else where life is being lost, unless some country invades the USA and we need to defend ourselves on our own land, war is not the answer. (I don't shoot with friends on weekends, only at ranges to keep my skills every year or so.) I am a strong supporter of the 2nd Amendment, and equally if not more vigilant in my support of defensive wars only (no aggressive wars).

[I hope to] persuade, or at least set the example, for fellow Utahans, conservatives/republicans/ tactical training buffs and anyone else within my sphere of influence of the correct meaning of the 2nd Amendment, the Constitution and their possible ill-directed support of war.

Most people fall right or left, red or blue, MCain or Obama, etc... I don't... I fall with principles (at least I try). I feel it is a lack of education and or too much zeal without correct insight and pride that leads people to these bulwark/immovable left/right only stances. The founders were not war aggressors..they wanted to trade and be friendly with all and war with none, stay out of other countries affairs have a moral nation secured with God given rights and let people make choices.

Weapons and war are a two edged sword, we should only use the defensive edge, it takes moral restraint, much like law makers in regards to enacting laws. Laws are also a double edged sword, there's a side that is constitutional, and liberty loving and a side that is tyrannical and big government. My hope is that I can wake my peers up to the proper perspectives on these issues and change mine if they are not correct...

I agree 100% with...proper training...[which can be expensive.] Certainly some have more money than others. This is not my argument. My argument comes because I believe (my own statistics ...real scientific here) many Americans are lazy and indolent. Much time, money and effort is spent on shopping, attending movies, listening to music, partying, porn, watching TV, etc. There is no desire (or very little) to do something of value, learn the constitution, serve others or to try constantly improve. This is why you [Justin] are such a hero. You serve others and seek to always do so in your charity work.

...Justin started an amazing NonProfit called These Numbers Have Faces. (TNHF) It is an excellent charity which has our full support. Please investigate if you are looking for worthwhile places to invest. And you can count on all the money going to the absolute right places and people. No fluff. TNHF is not about making people dependent on him or his organization. Instead it is about empowerment and education...

Not that leisure is bad or unnecessary but the constant leisure (I see in Utah anyway) and desire to be entertained 24/7 doesn't inspire people to do things of value very often. We live in a very decadent society. My concealed weapon permit course, offered in every state that has gun laws (yes I have a concealed permit, no I do not carry a weapon on me but I felt it was my duty to obtain this. If I support the 2nd amend. I better understand what and why I support it) cost $75 and all other knowledge and training has been obtained for free on the internet or seeking out others with experience that could mentor me.

My point is...these things are available at an affordable cost but the noise of society ensnares people to seek only after self-gratification. IE..I was never a gun lover (I'm still not..I'm just not a gun hater unless you are using it to attack people) but I forced myself to be educated on the issue because I felt it my duty as a supporter of the Constitution.

Regarding assault rifles..It's difficult for me to separate different models of guns from each other, after all they are all designed, big or small with the same objective, to kill.

....My definition of a God given rights fall under three categories life, liberty, and property. So if we agree on what a right is I would say emphatically, we must exercise our rights in order to become what God wants us to become. In respect to guns, the right would be to defend our God given rights of life, liberty and property. As a father and leader of my home I believe it is my responsibility to be prepared to defend (no aggression) my family in the case of eminent danger IE social unrest due to biblical proportion calamity. So in answer to your question I would say Yes..we should exercise our rights.

Regarding Mormons, In general your statement would be close. The Mormon religion teaches people to be prepared; get out of debt; store some food, money, etc for a rainy day. Some take this more seriously than others. Many don't do anything. These things are common sense to me and I have a much stricter adherence to these principles than most...

I couldn't agree more with the good Archbishop...we will learn this during the Second Coming when the .."wolf shall dwell with the lamb, and leopard shall lie down with the kid; and the calf and the young lion and the fatling together; and a little child shall lead them."

Conclusions

While this wasn't Brent's first choice on how to spend 2 days of his life, it was an important way. To handle a weapon designed to kill is a solemn and sacred responsibility. Both he and I agree, whomever is doing the handling must be skilled and comfortable in the operation. So here we stand today.