1-Laying on top of my bed, on a giant pile of clothes, sobbing as I have systematically tried on every single Sunday outfit in my closet. Convinced I am fat. My clothes fit but just look horrible and poochy. Think rolls. Its not cute. The maternity clothes hang.
2-Having a ridiculously strong craving for a banana split. A real banana split. As I moan about this to my family, Ellery and Callista become quite confused and giddy at the same time. Is this really their mother speaking? Could she really want to eat that "sugar-filled, junk?" It was me. Or some alien form of me. And yes I wanted one badly. I didn't get one. Not for philosophical reasons. If it was there I would have eaten the entire thing. We couldn't think of anywhere that would have the gourmet type I was craving. I finally lost energy and fell asleep.
3-Sending Brent to Harmons for Wild Smoked Alaskan Salmon at 11 pm. My mostly vegan diet has suffered. I seem to be craving and caving to everything I should probably avoid. Let me qualify that, fish and a little dairy, and occasional sugar. But still I want to be so much more pure. I am not. I have not eaten a steak. For the record. But don't put anything past me.
4-Laying in my bed at 7:30, trying to keep my eyes open to read my scriptures.
5-Arranging my hair in whatever ways I can to hide the horrible breakouts. And ready to fly off the handle if Brent tells me I just need to wash my face better.
6-Staring at my shadow from the street lamps in the morning...it is almost like I can see my hips expanding.
7-Trying extremely hard not to be offended by all my wonderful friends who tell me I look great and can't even tell a difference? So have I always looked fat to you, is what I feel tempted to say.
8-Being awoken by Ellery...uh mom I just finished this math paper...wow how long was I asleep?
9-Staring longingly at my cut-out, unfinished Christmas dresses, wondering when will be the day I can function at a normal energy level past 7 pm.
10-Wondering how long I can make the thanksgiving rolls in my freezer last so that I don't have to make bread. I don't have the energy.
11-Feeling like each run is numbered. Not wanting to resign myself to videos. Praying the cramps and braxton-hicks will start a little later this time.
12-Staring at my children, thinking again, even though I know it happens, how could I love another child as much as I do these? How could I have a baby as sweet and cute as these angels?
13-Watching my dear friends newborn and feeling so complete nuzzling that little one, knowing I can welcome another child with open heart.
t h e m a y f i l e s is foremost a family blog, chronicling everyday life. Life including natural, healthy eating (with recipes thrown in at random), home educating (with ideas popping up sporadically), an attempt to homestead on .2 acres (with very meager yields), raising 3 of 4 children with a rare genetic disorder, and lots of highly personal family triumphs and failures. You may also find an eclectic array of musings on politics, exercise, sewing, emergency preparedness, backyard chickens, and religion. This blog isn't a campaign to glorify anyone or anything. Just simply a record.